The Price of Victory
by MsAllisa

"... I wrote it because JMS mentioned somewhere along the line that members of the warrior caste are forbidded to join the Rangers... I wanted to see what warriors are really like... I hope you enjoy it."

Disclaimer - the setting, (except Kahleen) characters, universe are the property of JMS, WB, TNT, etc. This story is for entertainment only and not to be posted, copied or shared without the permission of the author.

Journal entry

There is a great change coming. I can feel it, almost like the changes in the air before icy rains. I am excited, nervous and anxious to get on with my life, if I am to have a life after this week. I am at the end of my training as a Warrior, and soon I will be called to speak to Satai Neroon about my options in serving the Warrior caste. I am terrified of what he is going to say when I tell him that I want to join the Anla'shok. I want it so badly that it keeps me awake at night. I want to fight against the ancient enemy as Valen called us to do, but Neroon has forbidden any Star Riders from join the Anla'shok.

Neroon's temper and stubbornness are legendary among the Warriors. I don't look forward to this meeting. I wish it were as simple to leave as packing and slipping away into the night. That is not the honorable thing to do, but at least I wouldn't have any broken bones or a cracked skull. Until he found me, that is. In Valen's name, I wish I knew what to do. I can't run, and I can't hide, and there is no other calling for me.

"Kahleen! To the center circle!" The instructor snapped gruffly.

"Yes, Sech Durhan." The Star Rider leapt to obey the master's command. Once in the circle, she stood very still and awaited his orders.

"During your last match, you had the opportunity to deliver a blow, but did not take that opportunity. Why?" He circled her as he spoke and stopped behind her as he asked the question, so that she could not see his face while giving her answer.

"The blow was unnecessary, Sech Durhan, Cadroon was already beaten badly and he knew it. The whole class knew it. Another blow would have been... excessive. I sent him to the healer's once already this week." Kahleen glanced at her friend and gave him a playful grin. The others in the advanced pike class burst into laughter. Cadroon, nephew of Satai Neroon, made a low growl in response, but said nothing.

A scowl from Durhan stopped the outbursts in mid-laugh. "That is... an acceptable answer. The healers are as tired of mending his head as you are of cracking it. You are the victor and to you go the spoils." He moved to face her and handed her a new pike. This denn'bok was black, as they usually were, but in addition had a silvery metallic band set around the very center that was carved with intricate designs. It had been crafted personally for her by Durhan. He hoped such a prize would take her breath away. He watched her face, intently, as she studied it.

Kahleen gaped, her hands trembling, as she held the beautiful gift. She had never seen a denn'bok that was so beautiful. She struggled to fight down the lump that was forming in her throat. Sech Durhan was her favorite teacher, but more than that, he was a friend and mentor who always tried to find new ways to help her excel. She had always felt that he cared, but didn't realize just how much until she met his gaze. She could see the mixture of love and pride in his expression. The young Star Rider bowed deeply to the master teacher, whispered a thank you and returned to her place on the floor.

When the class had ended, Kahleen stood at Durhan's side and he took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I hear that Satai Neroon has requested you join him at his home for dinner tonight. You should hurry and change or you'll be late. Neroon is not as patient and forgiving as I am." He chuckled at the thought of Neroon being either patient _or_ forgiving.

"Durhan, how did you know I would win? You couldn't have known..." She looked up at him, her blue eyes filled with concern.

"Let's just say that the pike would have come to you whether or not you were victorious today. If, perhaps, not quite so publicly. Now, run along and change." He smiled as her shock melted into understanding. Student were not allowed to engage in romantic encounters with instructors, or anyone else, until they had finished their training. After they graduated, they were considered Warriors, and as such, fair game as prospective mates or lovers. This was the first sign of that shift in perception that Kahleen had noticed. If Durhan was interested, what did dinner with Neroon mean? It made her shiver. She was in really deep trouble.

"Was the meal to your liking, Kahleen?" Neroon said pleasantly as he watched the servant clear away the dinner dishes. His attention casually shifted back to the Warrior seated across the table.

"Dinner was excellent, Satai. Thank you." She unconsciously fidgeted with the edge of the table cloth as she tried to fight the urge to look Neroon in the eye and confess everything. Patience was not easy when you knew you were walking a razor's edge with someone as unpredictable as Neroon. The wrong word said carelessly and she would be very sorry. They had already made quiet conversation about her teachers and lessons and things she might wish to see the next group of students learn that she felt she missed. Those were the usual subjects that preceded the discussion of calling.

"Perhaps, we should move into the other room before we discuss the future. I am sure you would be more comfortable in there." Neroon made a mental note of the fact that she winced slightly at the mention of the future. Could it be that she was afraid of the future for some reason? Did she suspect that the dinner was a cover for his real, and more personal, intentions? "Come. Let's make ourselves more comfortable."

"Yes, Satai." She stood, gracefully, and found that Neroon's eyes were on her. The appreciation in his expression was clear, and for a moment she felt like a piece of artwork on display. Kahleen was a member of the Star Rider clan by the right of her mother, but she was not a blood relation to Neroon because her mother had come from the Worker caste. In Valen's name, does this mean that Satai Neroon is going to approach me as a possible lover? The thought of his large arms wrapping around her protectively was not an unappealing one, but she couldn't bring herself past the terror in her heart.

She was very aware of the relaxed and controlled way that Neroon moved behind her into the main room. He was nearly close enough to touch her, but he didn't. He motioned for her to sit and moved to sit beside her on the low, soft couch. She tucked her legs up under her as she sat and stared pointedly down at Neroon's hands where they were folded in his lap. He unfolded his hands and brought his right hand up under her chin, to gently lift her face up to look him in the eyes. Panic. The one thing that was forbidden to do with Satai. It implied that you were an equal and no one dared to assume such a thing, or risk implying it.

Again, Neroon noted the discomfort in his companion, but this time it was something he understood. Her chin resisted his hand for an instant. The Satai had to laugh at the awkwardness of this first encounter. His booming laughter made her visibly shudder.

"I'd like for you to look up. I know the taboos, but I insist." Her chin gave up its resistance and soon the dark eyes were boring into her soul. His hand moved from her chin to caress her cheek and she looked surprised, but didn't pull away. That's better, and now I _know_ something is troubling you.

"You have done very well in your studies, and there are an infinite number of possibilities for you. You can have a place on any ship in the fleet, or I can help you to find something more... unconventional. The choice is up to you. Do you know what interests you?"

"I want to fight." She held Neroon's obsidian gaze for several seconds to make sure he understood just how badly she wanted it. "I feel _called_ to fight, Satai."

"Well, at least all those years of training weren't wasted on you." Neroon chuckled, trying to put her at ease.

Kahleen couldn't hold it back any longer. She took a deep breath and said what she had come here to say. "I hoped that you feel that way. I could go without your blessing, but I would prefer that I have it. Your approval is important to me. Satai, I have decided that I am going to join the Anla'shok. I already spoke with Ambassador Sinclair and Sech Turval."

"Rangers!" Neroon snapped, so loudly that Kahleen jumped up from her seat and spun around to face him. He stood slowly and took a menacing step toward her. The young Star Rider stared at her clan leader with a mixture of fear and dread. This was it. "You _dare_ to talk to me of joining the Rangers!" He took another step forward and forced her to retreat or have him be within arm's length of her.

"Yes, Satai. I am trained to fight and I want to fight the ancient enemy as Valen called the Warrior caste to do. It is our fight. I know that you do not believe we should help Jeffrey Sinclair, but he..." The look of rage and the sneer that twisted Neroon's mouth as she mentioned Sinclair again was enough to make the rest of her words catch in her throat and not come out. She took another step away from him. This only made him advance on her until he had backed her against the wall. Once she was trapped with no way of escaping his rage, he raised his hand to caress her throat.

"No." His deep voice was a deadly whisper against the skin of her neck. Neroon's hand continued to caress her, his body pressing her firmly against the wall. "I made it clear that no one from this clan would be joining or remaining in the Anla'shok, while I am alive." Neroon emphasized the word clear by slamming her bone ridge into the wall, roughly. Her flinch gave him a flash of satisfaction. "You will choose something else. Now."

"You are Satai, and my clan leader, but you do not have the right to decide the calling of my heart. You have no power over my choice of callings, Neroon." The anger and the lack of the honorific was a dagger into Neroon's pride and he was not about to let her get away with that kind of disrespectful behavior. "I can decide my own destiny, and I have made my choice. You can't stop me without killing me. I came here prepared to fight, to choose, and I am ready to leave or die trying... or kill."

"Fool! You are not strong enough to kill me. You ask for death, and I will give it to you for your impudence." He grabbed for his pike and stepped back into a fighting stance. She did the same.

"I invoke denn'sha. To the death." She breathed, working to calm herself enough to do what she had to do.

"So be it. To the death."

Journal Entry

Today was the best, and the worst, day of my life. I have gained my freedom to leave the Star Riders and join the Anla'shok, but it has cost me everything... Satai Neroon has forbidden anyone from my clan to contact me. I'm dead to them all. I no longer exist, even to my own parents. In Valen's name, I had no idea that victory would hurt so much. I only hope that it is worth it. Can anything be worth losing everything?

I am so tired . Neroon beat me to within a heartbeat or two of taking my life, and then by some miracle, he stopped and had his doctor tend me. It will be some time before I am recovered. I wish I could sleep forever, and not have to face the dawn. Every inch of my body hurts, and the words he said hurt more than any blows ever could. They will heal and fade away, but I will still be here, isolated from everyone I love. Valen, give me strength.

Journal entry

It's been four months since I joined the Rangers, and I truly feel like this is my home. I miss my family, but Entil'zha keeps me busy enough that I don't get the chance to think about it for weeks at a time. When I do think about it, I know I did the right thing by coming here. No matter what it cost me.

The Religious caste Rangers have been very polite to me. I expected pity for my situation, and maybe suspicion, but instead they have chosen to welcome me, to accept me. The Human Rangers are nothing like what the Warriors have told us about them. The more time I spend with Humans, the more I regret that we fought a war with them and almost killed them all. From what I have seen here, it was truly a tragic misunderstanding. Delenn said that they are very unique and special, and I believe that Entil'zha must be the greatest of them. I can believe that he is a Warrior in his heart and I respect him.

During my training to be a Ranger, Sech Durhan risked Neroon's wrath by ignoring his call for all Warriors to reject me. It was comforting to know that someone else believes I did nothing wrong and that it was Neroon's arrogance and pride that was, and still is, the real problem. Durhan and I talk for hours, sometimes, and I really enjoy his company. I think he will be as sad to see me leave for my first assignment as I will be.

Some nights, I have terrible flashbacks of the denn'sha with Neroon. I can see myself fighting with every bit of my strength, and not being strong enough to kill him. I may have injured him, but it was nothing compared to what he did to me. The memory of his rage still sends a shudder through me. Neroon had the opportunity to kill me, and the desire, so why didn't he do it?

Kahleen saw a shadowy, hooded figure leave her room and move quickly down the corridor. She knew that walk, the height, the set of his shoulders, it was just like Neroon or maybe... "Cadroon!" It had to be him, Neroon would never go into her quarters like that. Why, in Valen's name, was he here? "Wait, please! What are you doing here?"

The figure glanced back at her before disappearing down another hallway. She was torn between chasing Cadroon down, and going to see why he had been in her room.

The latter won out, and she turned around. Once inside, she scanned the room quickly and found a small white envelope resting on top of the pillow on her bed. She opened the note, read it, reread it and sank to her knees on the hard tile floor. Shock and horror made her feel faint. In Valen's name...NO!!!

When she could stand without her knees shaking, she made her way to the place the Human Rangers called "the Chapel." She had always found the statue of Valen here to be a comfort when she was homesick. More than that, really, it was the focal point for why she had given up everything to join the Rangers. Valen. Kahleen felt in her heart that Valen would have understood her sacrifice, even if her family and friends could not.

Kahleen entered the temple and dropped onto one of the cold, hard stone benches. She curled up with her arms wrapped tightly around her knees and tried to meditate. When tears started to flow, she didn't try to hold it back. Her father was dying, and only a few months ago he had seemed in perfect health. What happened? He can't be dying, he just can't... Why is this happening? Why now, when everything was finally settling down?

The tears faded away, after a time, but the ache in her heart didn't. It wasn't until later that she realized that she wasn't alone in her sanctuary. Kahleen heard a sound echo through the stone chamber. She took a moment to survey the inside of the temple, and found the outline of a hooded figure. He was at the far side of the statue of Valen. She brushed away her tears, quickly, before the figure stood, and made his way to her. When he pulled his hood back, she was staring up at a very concerned, and somewhat confused, Jeffrey Sinclair. Had he never seen a Minbari cry before?

"Kahleen, is there something I can help you with? I'm a very good listener." The corners of his mouth turned up into a gentle, soothing smile. She held up the small tear stained scrap of paper and he took it, scanning it quickly. "I am so sorry about your father, Kahleen. Of course, you are going to go to him before he dies?" He whispered sympathetically.

She looked up at him with fear and loss, and shook her head, slowly. Kahleen looked down at the isil'zha pin and then back up at his face. "I am sorry to have burdened you with this Entil’zha. I will have to deal with it myself." She struggled to gather her failing courage and determination. "It is not possible for me to go back, now. The medical facility is run by the Star Riders. I am not welcome."

With a start, Sinclair understood what she was saying, and the horrors of what she was not saying. Neroon would never allow her to go there. "That arrogant son of a bitch." He breathed.

Kahleen nodded at the Human assessment of her clan leader. "There is only one hope. I must surrender myself to Neroon, and accept anything he decides to do to me. He didn't kill me, before..." She reached for the isil'zha pin, but Sinclair's hand stopped her from removing it. "I will do what I whatever must do to see my father...before it's too late."

"I can understand your decision, but I don't want to lose you. We need you here, and Neroon certainly doesn't deserve you. He shouldn't be making you choose between your life here and your family." Sinclair scowled. "I'm tempted to go over there right now and tell him what a bastard he is. Grey Council or no Grey Council."

"Thank you, no...Entil'zha. I don't want anyone else to get involved in this. I am sure Sech Durhan would use more blows than words on Neroon, if I tell him what has happened. That is why he must _not_ know. I need to go, and I need to do this alone. Please understand."

"I do. I'll respect your privacy, but you keep that pin. You earned it and you'll be back, even if it means landing a White Star in Neroon's front yard and sending in a strike team to get you." He looked pleased at that possibility.

"There is one thing... the capitol is a long distance from here." She didn't want to ask, but if she didn't hurry... it would be too late.

"I'll have one of the small White Star shuttles prepared for you. Give me about ten minutes. " He didn't say anything more, but instead turned and made his way to the exit.

"Entil'zha veni. In Valen's name." She spoke after him. Sinclair looked back over his shoulder at her and smiled. Kahleen left the temple and walked back to her room to pick up some things she would need for the trip, the barest essentials and nothing more.

Kahleen reached the step that lead to the front entrance of the clan house in record time. There were two Star Riders at the door. When she saw them, she pulled out her pike before continuing up the path.

Both guards stared hard at her. One of them, noticing her pike, shook his head, sadly. "Kahleen, you don't need that... Your father is in the trauma wing, and we would never stop you from seeing him. If you hurry, you won't even see Neroon. He's in a meeting with some of the elders."

"Thank you. I was worried that Neroon would make you try and stop me, but now... I... Thank you." As the door slid open, she bowed quickly to them and hurried toward the trauma center.

As she turned the corner, she founded herself nose to chest with a surprised, and surly, Neroon. They stood frozen, for a few heartbeats, staring at each other like a surprised hunter and his equally stunned prey, both unsure of how to proceed. Kahleen moved first. She backed away from him, shivering.

"Satai." The tone sounding strange to her ears. She had no respect for Neroon, all that she found in her heart was fear and loathing.

"Kahleen. You received the message? Good." His tone was direct and sharp. "You should go. Your mother and brother are with your father, and he has been calling for you. It was a terrible accident, but he gave up his health to save his crew." His eyes held a coldness, a hardness that Kahleen had never seen before.

"What is this going to cost me, Satai? Whatever you want, you can have it." She held his gaze for a long moment, and he opened his mouth to say something, but the words caught. His expression was stunned and mortified and exasperated, all at once.

"Go. I want nothing from you." He growled, tersely. His scowl made her hands shake and her heart pound in her chest. "I am not half the evil monster you seem to think I am. If I were, you would not be here now." With that he turned and started to walk past her to the next hallway.

"Satai, why didn't you kill me?" She ventured quietly. "It was your right."

"I have no need explain myself to you." With that, he left her standing alone in the hallway. She finished the remaining distance with a sprint, and took a moment outside the door to compose herself.

Journal Entry

It has been two days since I entered the room where my father lay dying. I can't eat, even when they practically plead with me, and sleep would only steal away the precious time I have left with him.

I would give anything for it to be me in that bed looking small and frail, and not my father. I am trying to be strong and face his death as a Warrior should, but the reality of losing him leaves me feeling like a lost and hopeless child.

We haven't talked about the denn'sha, or Neroon, yet. It is almost as if they don't know it happened and I was away on a sight seeing trip and not training with the accursed Rangers. I need their forgiveness and understanding more than I have ever needed anything in my life. I know that Durhan understands, perhaps, they do as well. That is my hope, and it is the only hope that is left in me.

"Mother, do you think I did the wrong thing by joining the Rangers? I went against Satai Neroon's wishes, and... I paid for it. Should I have given up my dream, and taken a different path?" Kahleen looked into her mother's face intently, trying to read her expression. They were seated together in the hospital room quietly talking while Kahleen's father slept.

"Are you happy with the Anla'shok, Kahleen? Do _you_ feel you made the correct choice?" She pulled herself up from her place on the floor and sat down on the couch beside her daughter. Her expression softened.

"Yes, I feel the choice was the correct one, but... it cost so much. I can't help wondering what I did to make Neroon hate me so fiercely." She fought against the wave of tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.

"Kahleen, I think you learned an important lesson in all this. It costs little to give in to what other people want you to be, but it takes strength and courage to be who _you_ know you are in your heart. A high price can often make the thing bought all the more precious and meaningful. If you had taken Neroon's offer would you have been happy?" She looked deep into Kahleen's eyes, trying to read her heart. "When he came to me, I told him that you are independent and stubborn and that you would not easily give up on your own plans for your future, no matter how great the honor of the position was."

"What offer?" Kahleen was stunned. "What position would have been such a great honor? He had talked of serving on a ship..." She stopped, suddenly very confused. Her mind sifted through the things she could remember about the conversation. He had said something about being unconventional... but no offers were made.

"He did not offer to make you his aide? He told me that he was planning to train you to assist him and eventually take his place on the Council. He did not mention any of this to you?" She said incredulously.

"No." Kahleen's voice seemed to choose that moment to fail her. Her mind struggled to comprehend such shocking information. The Grey Council? He had planned for her to serve him? An image formed in her mind of spending endless hours alone with Neroon aboard the Grey Council's ship, out among the sea of stars. Without realizing she had done it, Kahleen whimpered. "Why would he want me for such a position?"

Her mother chuckled. "Perhaps, Neroon is tired of looking at scurrying little Religious acolytes, and would prefer to look at you. Or perhaps, he wanted someone from his own clan to follow him." She sighed and patted her daughter's hand affectionately. "That is something I cannot say for him. You will have to ask him about his intentions. I can tell you that I know he does not hate you. His pride is wounded, and he is not a male that handles rejection well." Kahleen couldn't believe what her mother was saying. She quickly banished all thoughts of being alone with Neroon, or asking him his intentions. What was the Human expression? When hell freezes over... that was it.

"I think it is good that you made your own way, Kahleen." Her father's comment made her jump, she hadn't realized he was awake. "Neroon is very stubborn, and you are his equal in that. I never believed you would be happy as his aide. You would have ended exactly as you did, trying to pound the life out of each other. If the Anla'shok makes you happy, then we are happy." He smiled weakly up at her.

"Your mother is right that Neroon does not hate you, if I had to draw a conclusion, I would say Neroon cares a great deal for you and was willing to do anything to convince you to stay, short of killing you." He looked at her, gravely. "Fear is a tool that Satai often use to keep our people in line, and you've shown Neroon that it won't work on you. That's not a bad thing. Courage is a trait to admire and respect. Whatever happens, we will not stop loving you. Hold that in your heart when you miss your home and your family." He closed his eyes and took a moment to rest. Kahleen stood up and kissed his cheek. She whispered a tearful thanks, and he slipped away into a deep sleep. When had her life become so complicated?

She looked up at her mother and whispered that she had something she really needed to do. With that, she left and hurried down the corridor toward Neroon's office.

When the door to Neroon's office finally slid open, Kahleen had summoned all her courage to say what she needed to say. She walked into his office slowly, but purposefully. After a few seconds, Neroon looked up from his work, narrowing his dark eyes at her.

"Satai, I want to thank you for sending Cadroon with the note for me. It means so much to me to be here." She frowned slightly, trying to choose her words carefully. "Just as I think I understand the battle we're fighting, you change all the rules. I don't understand you."

She closed her eyes and tried to get a grip on the emotion that was threatening to overwhelm her. Fear. Grief. Exhaustion. It had all taken a toll on her strength in the last few days. She felt as if she had aged a hundred cycles since coming home.

Neroon stood up, slowly stretching his muscles, and walked around the desk. He looked her over from head to toe, quickly surveying the disarray of her clothing and the heaviness under her eyes. He didn't have to guess that she hadn't been eating or sleeping. He knew for a fact that this was the first time she had left her father's side since her arrival. A devoted child.

"You feel that we are at war, and you see me as the enemy?" Neroon studied her intently, waiting for her to answer, but the pained look in her weary eyes told him more than her words ever could.

For all her disheveled appearance, the Warrior couldn't help thinking that she was still beautiful, strong and proud. In fact, she was stronger now than she had ever been, he was sure of it. It showed in the way she carried herself and the way she proudly wore the uniform of the Anla'shok. She knew her place, and it wasn't with the Star Rider clan.

"Maybe I do, after a fashion. " As Neroon's dark eyes widened in surprise, she asked her own questions. "Why are you doing this? Why do you care what I do with my life?"

Neroon had stopped just a few meters from her and purposefully folded his arms across his massive chest. Watching the thick muscles of his arms flex made the fear start to bubble around the edges of her thoughts. Neroon's face remained passive and expressionless, as he listened.

"You did not kill me, as you could have, _should_ have done and I don't know what happens, now, except that I can never go back and change the things I did to make you hate me. Can I?" She trusted Neroon, and he let her down. Kahleen had put her hopes and dreams in his hands, and he had crushed them. In wanting so much to have his approval, as a mentor and friend...she lost sight of him as a clan leader. A Warrior Satai. Her respect and trust in him were destroyed by his abuse of the power he claimed over her.

The silence was broken as Neroon roared with laughter at her, but in an instant the humor dropped away. "Hate you? In Valen's name...Yes, I was tempted to choke the life out of you for being so infuriatingly stubborn, but I never hated you. Of all the young Star Riders, you were the last one I ever thought would get a foolish idea like joining Sinclair's Rangers. You should have known better, Kahleen." He took a deep breath and fought to get control of the resurfacing anger. He had plans for her, and she had become a tremendous disappointment.

"I am allowing you to be with your father, am I not? I did not have to send Cadroon with that note for you. It was out of respect for you and your family." His voice was low and sincere, but in a heartbeat, it turned ominous. "If you try to convince others of this clan to join the Anla'shok, there will be no mercy for you. Do you understand me? I do not need other fools leaving this clan." He could see, instantly, the fear his words instilled in her. She stood there looking up at him, shivering slightly. Her blue eyes held tears.

"The healers do not think my father will live much longer. When the great sleep takes him, I will go." Saying it out loud made it an inescapable, chilling reality. She had to accept the fact that he wasn't going to get better. He was going to die.

"I will respect your wishes, and not speak of the Anla'shok. I will not return here ever again. I owe you for allowing me to come here, now."

A shadow crossed her face and when she looked up at him again, Neroon could see that her cheeks were streaked with hot tears. He felt a twinge of guilt for his harshness. She was tired, he could see that, but he continued to gently push the issues. Threats and pain wouldn't bring her back, or make her stay. She was far to strong for that kind of intimidation, or was she? Neroon sighed.

"Your being here is _not_ a problem for me, Kahleen." She looked up at him in surprise, and he continued. "You would not have to lose your home if you would leave the Rangers and return to the Warrior caste.

"Give up this Ranger foolishness, and come home. We are your people, why do you turn your back on us?" Neroon waited for some kind of response. He knew that the whole experience was draining her strength, and that left her vulnerable. If she truly felt she owed him, perhaps he could use that.

"We need you." What he meant was, "I" need you, and the feeling behind the unvoiced words surprised him. Of course, she was attractive, but in Valen's name, she was a member of his clan. Was. Not any longer. The Anla'shok had her heart, now, and Neroon felt betrayed by his feelings for this lovely Ranger. This traitor.

Neroon's words were like an icy hand gripping Kahleen's heart, she hugged herself against a sudden chill. She noticed that he had resumed slowly, almost causally, moving toward her. In another minute he would be close, so very close. A small voice inside the Ranger screamed that she was in danger, and that she should go before he hurt her again. She held her ground, but she couldn't shake the feeling that he was stalking her, preparing to pounce.

"I should go..." She mumbled, more to herself than to Neroon. "It was a mistake to bring this up. I can't deal with this, not now." Kahleen realized with a start that Neroon was between her and the room's only exit. She frowned at him.

"Why did you come to see me, Kahleen? I find it hard to believe that you would leave your father to thank me. What is so important to you that you would come to me? Your enemy."

"Why did you want me for that position as your aide?" She didn't hide the suspicion in her tone from him. "I am sure there were others who were better qualified. I have no experience in diplomacy." She faced his obsidian eyes boldly, and without flinching.

His mouth twisted into a smirk. She had heard, after all. "You were raised to value our traditional beliefs, but many are trying to separate the young from our old ways. I know your parents and they taught you much about honor and courage and duty to your clan. I cannot even say the same for my own brother's son." His tone was dismayed, but he looked more disappointed than angry. "I didn't believe my faith in you was misplaced. Not then."

"That is the only reason, Satai? No hidden agendas? Nothing... personal?" Neroon's eyes narrowed, at the accusation and she reflexively stepped back. He chuckled, soft and deep. Almost a sensual purr.

"Ah yes, please, cut to the heart of the matter. You can speak your mind with me. Although, I am not sure if I should be amused or offended by the accusation in that line of questioning." He took a step forward.

"Do you want to know if I find you attractive?" Another step. Another purring laugh, "Yes, I do. Would I waste my time seducing a young fool like you? A Ranger." It was almost a taunt or a curse. "Not now, not after all that has happened." It was a lie, and he knew it as soon as the words had left his lips.

"Why..." Neroon moved quickly, impulsively stopping her next question by covering her mouth with his. It was slow and firm, and she didn't struggle against him, instead placing her palms against the hard muscle of his chest. He could taste the salt from her tears. Her mouth felt hot and soft over his.

Neroon tried to put all the emotions and needs and desires into that kiss. It was everything he needed to say, but couldn't find words to voice. It left them both panting breathlessly.

When he let her go, she started to pulled away from him. This brought a frown to Neroon's face. He raised a hand to wipe at one of her tears and Kahleen took a step backward, unconsciously flinching.

"Why did you do that?" Neroon snapped sharply, startling the young Ranger and causing her to retreat even further from him. "How can you think that I am a such a monster? I didn't _want_ to fight you. It was your challenge." He growled at her, the rumble reverberating through the whole room. "I liked you, and I admired your spirit and your courage. I _still_ do." He was angry with himself for causing this situation, and not with her. He struggled to moderate his tone. "I wanted to teach you, not hurt you.

"I _did_ kill you, after a fashion. I killed the respect and the trust you once had in me. You were never afraid of me, before the denn'sha...." The Warrior held out a hand to her, and waited for her to take it, but she just stared at him, uncertainly.

With a sigh, Neroon turned away from her and moved to the window, keeping his back to her. He called over his shoulder to her. "Do you remember the time when you were climbing on the Crystal Peaks?" Her gasp told him she did. She remembered all too well, as he knew she would.

"Yes... I fell into one of the deep caverns. I was hurt, badly, and I couldn't get out. I was afraid that no one would rescue me." She shivered at the memory, but it drew her to him unconsciously, like a siren's song, it pulled at her. The memory and the strong, but unspoken, feelings she had for him since that moment had brought them together.

"Who climbed to the bottom and saved you? Who risked his life to carry you to safety?" He looked at her over his shoulder and could see her jaw working, but no sounds were coming. She was walking toward him as if in a trance.

"You did, Satai. You carried me out, and all the way back to camp, even when I thought I could walk the rest of the way." The words made her face burn with shame, and guilt, like a child caught while being disrespectful and ungrateful.

"You never _once_ asked me why I saved your life that day. You didn't have to, you trusted me. In Valen's name, you nearly worshipped me." He turned around, frowning at her. "I watched your trust and your respect die the night of the denn'sha, and its loss diminishes you."

"What do you want from me?" Her words were a weak sigh. "Tell me what you want me to do? I can't fight anymore. Don't you see? This is worse, for me, than if you _had_ killed me. In Valen's name, I wish you had." Lack of sleep, grief, and now the added weight of self recrimination, was too much for her to bear and she broke into sobs.

Neroon immediately condemned himself for trying to use her grief and exhaustion to manipulate her. She was so vulnerable. The Warrior did the only thing he could think of. He went to her, wrapped her in his arms and held her, caressing her back and shoulders while she sobbed. Neroon held her tightly, whispering apologies and soothing words. Valen help me, she feels so good in my arms.

"I was there for you, then, as I have always tried to be." He said gently, caressing her with his voice. "I was furious that you didn't share your dreams with me, and I acted in that fury. For that I will always be sorry, but the damage was done. Kahleen, if you will forgive me, I will do anything it takes to earn your respect and trust."

Kahleen continued to sob and Neroon's touch was warm and strong, but did little to soothe her grief. She had reached the limits of what she was able to bear and her final reserves of strength failed. Her body felt drained of all energy, and Neroon seemed to sense that. He silently continued to hold and comfort the sobbing Ranger.

Neroon had an idea of what he could do to make her feel better. She whimpered, but didn't resist as he gathered her up in his arms, carrying her into the small bedroom beside his office. He laid down on the narrow bed with her in his arms and he held her close until her tears stopped.

When Kahleen had cried herself out, she drifted into a deep, exhausted sleep. Her breathing was slow and rhythmic. She slept for a long time, finally giving her body the rest that it so desperately needed.

Neroon lay beside her watching her sleep, and he understood why females traditionally watched a male sleep. It showed him something about her, a serenity and fragile beauty. As his anger fled, he felt himself falling under her spell. Did she know she was breaking his heart?

During the night, Kahleen had dreams of what might have been if she had chosen to serve Neroon. The Ranger called out Neroon's name, moaning breathlessly. It was just at a point where Neroon himself was starting to fall asleep and it woke him with a start. The Warrior caressed Kahleen's shoulder gently, and he was surprised to see that she had been startled awake as well. She rolled herself over to face him.

"Satai, what is it like to be intimate with someone?" She whispered. It was a very candid question, but it did not surprise Neroon that she would ask it, not really. She had reached an age where her first true sexual desires were starting to surface, and need to be explored, satisfied. The fact that she was speaking to him in a conversational manner made his heart ache for their old familiarity and friendship.

"It is... There aren't words in any language to accurately express it. Each person perceives it differently." He tried to explain, but it was nearly impossible. "Perhaps, you should tell me about the dream you were having."

"It was strange. I was aboard the Grey Council ship, I guess. We had been away from our homeworld for such a long time. There were people all around, but I was...lonely. I could feel that something was missing, but I couldn't name it." She was confused, and trying to sort the jumble of fading images.

"Were you serving as my aide? Did you _tell_ me you wanted to go home?" Neroon was genuinely curious. What he wanted to ask was what they had been doing for her to call out to him that way. Her tone clearly had been one of ecstasy.

"Yes, I told you." She sighed heavily. "I expected you to be angry or to laugh at me, but you didn't. You promised that we would leave the next day and go home for a while. I was so happy...I didn't really mean to, exactly, but I told you that I loved you." The words hung in the air between them. "I guess...I did love you."

"You loved me? What did I do in your dream to make you love me?" His voice was very deep and whisper soft. In the dim light, he could see Kahleen close her eyes. She moaned very softly at the lingering memory, images of Neroon making love to her very slowly, tenderly.

"You were... kind, and... generous, and... so attractive, seductive." She stopped and touched his cheek with her fingertips.

"I seduced you? During this seduction, what did I do?" He coaxed her, but was careful that there was a touch of playfulness in it.

"You touched me in ways no one has ever done before. It felt...so... I wanted to cry or beg you never to stop." She flushed with embarrassment, but in the dark she knew Neroon could not see it.

"Would you like that dream to be reality, Kahleen?" He heard her slight gasp, and smiled.

"I don't know... I've never... Does this mean you want a truce, Satai?"

"Yes, a truce. An end to all hostilities, and a beginning to something more pleasurable." Neroon untangled himself, and stood up. He walked over to a small table and lit the candles that were there, then did the same at a similar table on the far side of the room. The flickering illumination casting strange giant shadows. When he finished his task, he stood silently beside the bed and reached to untie the belt on his robe.

"I'd like that." The Ranger whispered. As she watched with intense curiosity, Neroon began to remove his clothing. She had seen males undressed before this, but not this male, not Satai Neroon. Kahleen had always wondered what his body looked like under the thick layers of fabric. Now, it was there in front of her, close enough to touch. She _wanted_ to touch, and that was a shock.

Excellent conditioning. Well defined musculature. Very impressive. She found herself wishing she had seen his body _before_ challenging him to denn’sha. He was a mountain carved from flesh and bone. In Valen's name... her heart was pounding. She couldn’t take her eyes off his chest.

The shock must have shown in her face, because Neroon started to chuckle. He unfastened the loose fitting trousers and dropped them around his ankles.

"What? What do you find so shocking?" He frowned slightly.

"Nothing, I just wish I had seen you _before_ the denn'sha, Satai." She held his gaze for a long moment. "If I had known that you looked so much like Sech Durhan, in the way you are defined, I would have waited a few cycles to mention the Rangers. I do _enjoy_ being alive and not confined to a medical center." Neroon looked at her strangely for a moment, and then chuckled, looking down at himself.

Kahleen shook her head slightly, trying to clear away the lust his body was evoking. She had a fleeting thought that, perhaps, mentioning Durhan had been the wrong thing to say.

There was a smile on Neroon's face as he gathered his clothes and placed them in a pile on the couch. "Kahleen, it's your turn to disrobe." He had a touch of amusement in his tone, and it helped to put the young Ranger at ease. "And perhaps, you should tell me how you came to know what Durhan looks like when he is unclothed." His smile was pure wickedness.

The Ranger smiled. "In the steam rooms, sometimes he would join us and talk about war and battles and things. It was... nice." Her secretive smile said it went far beyond merely nice.

"I see. I shall have to have a talk with the F'hursna Sech about that." Neroon said, quietly amused. He shook his head.

Kahleen rolled off the bed, and Neroon assisted her in removing her clothing. Together they started peeling away the layers of her Ranger uniform, with Neroon adding her things to the pile of his own. When they got to her bare skin, she could feel the heat of the Warrior's body against her own. She watched his hands as they traveled from her shoulders, down her arms and back up to her neck. His touch was light, exploring.

Neroon gently nudged her toward the bed. The room was cold, and the bed was warm and inviting.

"Oh... mmmmm." Kahleen moaned. She was pinned to the slanted surface of the bed by Neroon’s powerful hands. She struggled against his grip, but she knew it was futile. He was the strongest Minbari she had ever known, and the most attractive, the most sensual.

It was a game now between them. Kahleen tried to resist the Warrior Satai, and he worked at taking away her desire to resist. It wasn't too difficult as she was very aroused by his touch, his kisses.

The first lovemaking had been achingly slow and gentle, but in the afterglow, Neroon's own style was becoming clear. His kisses were becoming more heated, more aggressive, and instead of gently nudging her toward another passionate coupling, he was conquering her, body and soul.

Kahleen could feel his rough desire, and she felt as though it would drown her if she didn't resist it. Her hands pushed at his chest, and she tried in vain to roll onto her side. She was panting with the effort, while Neroon was merely amused by her resistance.

"Shall we stop, Kahleen? Am I... hurting you?" He hesitated, lifting himself up on his hands. He held her gaze, briefly, before she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into another rough kiss. The wrestling and kissing continued for several minutes before she answered him.

"No. Don't stop, Neroon. I want to know what it is to be loved by a Warrior and Satai. You don't have to be gentle with me, I can take anything you can give. " She gave him a fierce smile.

Neroon was stunned, but he quickly replaced the look of shock with one of mischief and lust. Within seconds, they were rolling around on the cold tile floor with no thought to anything but their passion for each other.

Journal Entry

The Warrior caste has a saying, "A Warrior will fear not death as we are already dead. Only those of the living can fear." My father died yesterday morning as he lived, without fears or regrets. Before he left us, he spoke to each of us privately. When he had spoken to my brother, myself and my mother, he called for Satai Neroon. I don't know what was said, but when Neroon left there were tears in his eyes. He looked as if he had something to say to me, but instead he ran his fingertips gently across my cheek and lips and left me and my family to grieve.

My father told me that I was the best child he could have ever hoped for and that he was proud of the way I stood up to Neroon. I asked him if he ever wished that I had been a male child, because most Warriors want sons, not daughters. He laughed and said that he wouldn't have traded my life for a War Cruiser full of sons. I was perfect exactly as I was. I don't remember much after that except that I couldn't stop sobbing. Somewhere inside, I found myself wishing Neroon's arms were around me and he was whispering words of comfort to me, again.

Many of the Wind Swords and Star Riders came to view my father's body, but none of them would speak to me. In their eyes I am a traitor, but I know in my heart that they are wrong. Neroon was wrong.

I can't stop wondering what my father had to say to Neroon. It is no secret here that Neroon and I were intimate three nights ago. It was not something either of us had planned, but I do not regret it. I hope that Neroon feels the same. I know that I will need to see him again before I leave, but for right now I want to spend a few more days with my family.

"I heard from your mother that you are leaving today." Neroon's tone was flat and non-committal. He stood just inside the door, making a quick survey of the room.

"Yes, Satai. They need me back in Tuzanor. " Kahleen continued to gather her belongings and place them neatly in her bag. She stopped for a moment and looked up at Neroon. A thought occurred to her. "I wasn't planning to leave without telling you."

"You weren't?" Neroon's deep voice held a hint of disbelief. He looked almost sad, maybe even hurt.

"Of course not." She sighed heavily. "I was planning to come and see you. I just...wasn't ready, yet." She went back to arranging things in her bag, and Neroon moved up behind her. He started to gently massage the muscles of her shoulders. His strong hands relieving the tension that was in her body. She stopped and closed her eyes, lost in the feel of his touch.

"I had hoped that you could be persuaded to stay a short time longer...with me." He whispered into her ear.

"How much longer?" She asked quietly, still melted from his touch.

"Three nights." Kahleen gasped, and Neroon chuckled as he felt her body tense under his hands. She turned around and stared up at him, bewildered.

"You want me to watch you sleep? That is..." Mate. He is talking about being his mate. A commitment. His eyes told her he knew exactly what that meant. She couldn't stop the smile from forming. "You are completely... mad." She shook her head.

Neroon laughed. "I haven't been mad...for months." He smiled at the mixing of the two meanings. Her smile had been the first he had seen from her in a long time. It made his heart pound in his chest. "I just couldn't find a way to take back everything I said and did without losing face with the others of the Warrior caste. My position on the council is new, and the others watch me very closely."

He took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. "I knew within days of sending you to Tuzanor that what I did was terribly wrong. I could imprison your body here or wherever I wanted, but it wasn't enough. I would never have your heart, your love or your trust.

"Kahleen, when you go back to Tuzanor, you are free to return here anytime you please, no one will stop you or bother you. If they do, they will answer to me." The smile dropped from her face, and Neroon took her hands in his.

"I don't believe it. The other night..." She tried to deny his words, but Neroon abruptly cut her off.

"The war is over. You are victorious, and I will stop trying to get between you and the calling of your heart." He looked hopelessly sad. "If there is anything else you want, you can name it and I will give it to you." His tone was grave, and deadly serious.

"When did this victory happen? The night we made love?" She tried to read his dark eyes, but it was the slight quirk of his mouth that held her attention. She had dreams of those lips on her skin, on her lips.

"No," He whispered. "I'm telling you that I knew I acted in error long ago, but couldn't find a way to make amends. Your father gave me a chance to make it up to you." He smiled gently. "It was his last request that I do what I know to be right. I must let you be yourself and follow your heart with interference or coercion. Last requests cannot be ignored by anyone, even Satai. I would not want to ignore this request, I know how happy it will make you."

When Kahleen gaped at his words, uncertain if she could believe in a miracle solution to her problems, Neroon answered her disbelief with a long, lingering kiss. "You are free, now. I hope that you will allow me to make this up to you. I do want you to become my mate. I've known you, and loved you, for as long as I can remember, Kahleen."

"Satai," She had to stop and swallow the lump forming in her throat from his words. "I'm not ready to be someone's mate, not yours or Durhan's, or anyone's.

"I'm too young. I have plans. Entil'zha says that if I work hard, I could be the captain of a White Star ship in another cycle or two." She looked into Neroon's eyes, willing him to understand. He nodded slightly, his lips pressed into a thin line.

"I told Entil'zha that I would be back in Tuzanor tonight, but..." She looked at her chrono, and then back up at him. "That gives me about three hours until I absolutely _have_ to leave here to get home."

"What are you suggesting?" A playful grin tugged at Neroon’s mouth. The pain of her rejection fading. She _was_ too young, he knew that.

"I would like another lesson in intimacy, if you can fit me into your busy schedule, Satai." She gave him a look that would be burned into his fantasies for the rest of his life. Sweetly seductive and dangerous.

"I believe the next three hours are available for a lesson or two."

"Good."

Journal Entry

I'm leaving for my new assignment today, aboard White Star forty five. I have never been so excited and anxious in my life. My Human friend Marcus said that he had never met a hyperactive Minbari until he met me. I'll remember that the next time he wants to spar with a pike. Humans are so strange.

What can I say? I'm happy. I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I love to do. I feel invincible. It's almost like some days I could drive the Shadows off Z'Ha'Dum all by myself. I know I could, but I don't think I'll tell that to Entil'zha just yet. He may take me up on the offer.

Neroon was right. I won, and when I look back on it now, it was worth every minute and every pain. I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned for anything. They made me a stronger Ranger, and a better Minbari.

The End

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